High School Graduation

I was thinking this morning about how Hoover is graduating their seniors tonight. If statistics are correct, only about 20% of people will continue going to church after graduating high school and going off to college, though some studies have given a number as low as 3%, hopefully more because a lot of students will be going to DMACC and still living with their parents. The point is, in a school as diverse as Hoover, the Christian population is pretty small anyway, at best it's three or four hundred. When you look at the number of people who are going away for college though, and I mean out of their parents house, typically out of Des Moines, and out of the county, it's probably significantly lower. You also have to factor in the people who are not going on to college, the ones who will either find a place with some friends or continue to live with their parents. Once you get into those numbers, there are maybe 200 hundred people who have families that would want them to go to church, and if you look at it statistically, if between 3 and 20 percent of those students continue going to church, you are looking at around 6-40 students who continue a relationship with the Lord, so looking somewhere in the middle ther, you'll get around 20. I would say that that's probably a high estimate for the people that will continue to follow the Lord even beyond college. Some of them will walk away and come back around eventually. Some will call themselves Christians now and call themselves agnostics when they get into college, and some will fortunately come to know the Lord once they are in an environment other than the one where they grew up. It will be their choice to follow the Lord, not the choice of their parents. It's a scary thought to think that that many people will walk away though. I'm not saying that they won't ever go back to church, but the chances that they'll go sometime before they start a family is pretty low, and when they do go back, they will most likely be one of the families in their church that doesn't get involved. They might go to a church where they will make friends, but everyone is more interested in socializing with each other after the message than actually listening to what the message has to say about their lives. This world has come to a place where I can look ahead to going to see my friends graduate tonight and only feel sad that so many people are going to walk away from God because they will no longer be under their parents' roofs.

My thoughts on handling Death

I'm going to say something that sounds horrible, but I know that everyone who has been in the same situation as me will understand, and quite possibly agree. I am so tired of my friends telling me to pray. My friends who know that my faith in the Lord is not going anywhere think that the best thing they can tell me to do after my Grandmother dies is to pray. Do they think I haven't done that already?! I know that they're trying to help, but they have no idea what my thoughts or feelings are about the whole situation. Not just my grandmother's death, but her funeral as well. I will have to see my father for the first time in over a year, along with the man that he left my family for. I know just how bad the funeral will be for me, because I'm the only conservative in my family, and every time we all get together they seem to think that discussing religion and politics with me is a good idea. I'm not stupid, and I could easily crush any of them i a debate, but they have no interest in being civilized. All they want is someone to take their anger out on, and it always ends up being me. So yes, I have been praying. A lot. I spent over an hour last night just driving around and talking to God as soon as I heard. My first reaction was to spend time with God to discuss it.
The hardest part about my grandma dying is that I don't know whether or not she was a Christian. I have no idea whether or not my Grandma is in Heaven or Hell, and the first thing that people ask me when I share that she died was, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is she saved?" I have no idea, and I hate that. How can I go to the funeral not knowing whether to mourn or rejoice for my own grandma. I know everyone else will be mourning. It's easy to mourn when you don't believe in Heaven. But I think that it's harder to not know than it is to know that they are in Hell. And some of you reading this are thinking that there's something wrong with me right now. You're thinking that you would rather have hope than know for sure that they are suffering. Well this is how I feel, so forget about what you think is better and focus on the fact that these are my feelings. You're entitled to your opinion, but I really don't care what it is. I don't want to have to go through my life wondering if I will ever see my grandma again, annd the same is true for my grandpa who died last year. I don't want to have to wait fifty or sixty years to know whether or not I'll see them. That's fifty-sixty years of building up hope only to be disappointed.
I understand that God is still sovereign, and that prayer and scripture are good in a time of trial, but if you spend all of your time trying to help a mourning friend talking to them about parying and sharing verses you fail as a friend. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. You need to ask someone how they feel. Ask them to share what they think before you try to share a verse that you know will be good for their situation when you don't even know what their situation is.
I don't mean to sound unappreciative, I just want to make it clear that I know the verses and I know that I need to pray. I just want people to understand that they need to know the situation before they can truly try to help.

It's not the promised land anymore...

Until today I have generally been proud to call myself an Iowan. I live in a state where the majority of people are social conservatives or people who just jump on the bandwagon. There are some liberal activists, but generally speaking there are more conservatives. And yet today the Iowa supreme court decided that what is best for Iowa is that the minority gets their way, and so gay marriage has become legal in the state that I love. Liberal judges who we did not elect to represent anyone, but rather to decide whether or not people were following the law, have decided that the law was not good enough, and have now condemned Iowa for at least three years of Gay Marriage being legal (unless the democrats actually decide to discuss it in congress this session, as if that would happen). We now live in the fourth state in the USA to allow Gay Marriage. What happened to the values of the heartland? It is a beautiful day outside, but I can see the storm clouds. This has become a battleground, and no matter what the judges have decided this case is anything but closed. The problem is that now people will see Iowa as a rallying point in their cause. It will be inviting for Gay people to come here and get married, and they will not want to leave. Well I know where I stand. I stand behind my God, who says that it is an abomination, and I stand behind my country, no matter how deluded the leaders may be. Because if everyone who was displeased with the leaders were to leave there wouold be no chance of the country ever getting back to where it needs to be. This is not an issue of discomfort about homosexuality, it is an issue of the fact that God knows better, and I will follow what God says. My twin brother and father are both living a gay lifestyle, and because I love my brother it was very difficult for me to decide to follow Christ, because I did not want to have to admit that my brother's lifestyle is wrong. But I will not deny that God knows best. I will not stand by while this country that was founded by Christian men is changed by people who don't care what God says, or even if he exists. It is an outrage to see that ungodly people are the ones making the decidions in this country that was founded on Godly principles. I'm aware that I will have upset some people, but I don't care. My life's ambition is not to please men, it is to follow the word of God until the day that I die.

The Real Me

Lately I've been feeling like there are two different parts to my personality. There's the part that everyone sees, and then there's the part of me that no one knows or understands, which is the autistic part of me. The me that everyone sees is this big guy, I'm emotionally stable and very social. They don't see me as being afraid of any sort of social experiences, because I show them that I'm not.
But then there's the other part of me, the part that it the complete opposite of the me that you see. The part that is afraid of people who are in authority positions, easily scared when people are angry with him. He doesn't know how to look people in the eye, and is always afraid of being inadequate. He doesn't like confrontation, and is very easy to walk all over. People can take advantage of him, and he won't complain, even though he understands the injustice of the situation. He is afraid of offending anyone, but at the same time is incapable of pacifying everyone, and so is at a loss for what to do. He cannot look out for himself, not because he doesn't know how, but because he cares more about making other people happy than looking out for himself. Most of all, he is afraid of himself. He is afraid that he will be like he once was; unable to control his anger, violently lahing out, and unable to care for people because of the fear of being left by the people that he loves. He knows that he is a fool for not looking out for himself, but he can't go back to how he was. Even though he knows that things are not black and white he has to be extreme in either direction, because he doesn't know how to stop himself from going too far, and prefers to err on the side of himself getting hurt rather than others. There are times he feels absolutely helpless. He can't change the things that are going on unless he changes himself to be more on the aggressive side, but is afraid of going too far, and so can't change. The concept of being unable to change himself scares him, because he knows that it means people will continue to take advantage of him, or worse, be dissapointed in him because he's not doing well enough due to trying to please everyone.

I understand that most people who read this will be at a loss as to what to think, and I don't blame them, but the fact of the matter is that this timid one is my real personality. I don't display it because I know that I will get hurt, but everything you say to me is processed through that child-like personality, not through the one that people see. I know that this goes more in-depth into my personal life than a lot of people would feel comfortable with, but I've been faced with the dilemna during the last several months of not being able to interact with others in a way that is beneficial to me. If you ask me to do something I will end up doing it, and I will end up overcommitting myself and being underslept. I seem to have reverted on the inside since starting college, though my outward personality has stayed the same. I think that a large part of it has to do with being in a new environment. Change has always been hard on me, and I don't know if that will ever change. I'd imagine that as I grow more comfortable here at Drake my inner child will be less afraid, but as long as I am still getting used to things I will be terrified of doing things wrong. Even now the main thing going through my mind is the hope that I have not offended anyone by writing this note, and I think that that shows just how timid I really am. It's been really hard for me to go through this last few months, and I think the thing that has made it the hardest is just that no one has known how hard it has been, and so no one has been able to make it easier on me.

What breaks my heart.

Something that I see more and more these days breaks my heart over and over again. The way that I see women being portrayed in society and the way that they react makes me want to cry. It's so sickening to see how women are objectified and made to feel that they have to look a certain way or that they aren't worth anything. I just spent an hour and a half talking to a girl who has self-esteem issues because of how the world tells her that she needs to act and look. She is a very attractive girl, and yet she feels that she is ugly. She thinks that she needs to put on make-up every morning so that guys will see her as beautiful, and doesn't understand that those guys' opinions don't matter worth a darn. It is terribly upsetting to see a girl who has so many reasons to be happy crying because she doesn't feel like she's even adequate, let alone loveable. She spends hours working on her make-up every morning, goes tanning at least once a week, and works out all so that she can feel like men like her, and then the guys that do notice her only want to get her drunk and use her. I am thankful that she has decided not not have sex before marriage, but she seems to mistake physical closeness with emotional closeness. What she is looking for is a guy who will tell her that she is worthwhile, to say that she is loveable, and she can't get that as long as she believes the lies that the world tells her. It just broke my heart to listen to her talking about how she spends all of this time trying to look good so that she can feel wanted, and then all that happens is she gets drunk and makes out with random guys. And yet she won't change anything because she is so afraid of even losing that pitiful affection that these guys show her, and they don't even show it to her, they show it to her body. They couldn't care less about her as a person, all they want is to have physical relations with her, and they don't give a crap if it causes her any sort of emotional damage. I shared God's love with her, but all she wants is some guy that she can see to make her feel worthwhile. It makes me sick. How can any guy treat a girl that way? What is wrong with us that we care so much about satisfying our own flesh that we don't give a rip if it causes severe psychological damage to someone else?! The sad thing is that this isn't an isolated incident. So many women feel the exact same way, and they just can't comprehend that there is something so much better waiting for them.
This issue came into my mind while we were at Faithwalkers. I met a couple of girls who were very flirtatious, and it got me thinking. I've obviously met flirtatious girls before, but they were always people who knew me, and knew that they would be around me, but that wasn't the case with these girls. One of them just tried to get my attention as she was driving by when we were on the highway, and then sped off when I ignored her. I can't help but feel sorry for her that she is at a point in her life where she feels she has to be attractive to strangers. She knew she would never see me again, and yet she was honking her horn and acting like a complete doofus just to get me to give her a little attention. Another girl who I actually got to meet was a girl who worked at the Burger King at Tan-Tar-a. I went there for lunch one day because I didn't like what was on the menu for the conference, and the girl working the cash register seemed to feel compelled to flirt with me. The last thing I ever want to do to a girl who is speaking to me is to ignore her, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, so I spoke with her, but it was very obvious to me that she was just trying to play the game, and I was just trying to get my lunch, she even gave me a larger drink than I ordered for no reason at all, other than that she wanted to.
It bothers me to know that these girls, who knew they would never see me again, would spend so much time trying to get my attention for such a short period of time. It bothers me even more that the reason they act that way is because the men who matter in their life aren't giving them the attention that they deserve. There are some girls out there who just want to mess around and have a good time because they think it's fun, but I strongly believe that for the most part the girls who act this way do so because they do not get affection from their fathers or boyfriends. The men who are in their lives are ignoring them, and so they seek this attention in the only way that they know how; by flaunting their bodies and trying to get guys to notice them for the one things that they know we want. They are willing to lose their dignity for just a few moments of attention and physical closeness just because they don't feel loved by theiur fathers or boyfriends. It's sick that we have driven them to that point.
I may not be a woman, but I experienced several similar problems when I was younger. I would constantly be seeking the attention that I wasn't getting from my mother by trying to be in relationships with other girls. My mom didn't make me feel loved, and so the only people I ever spent time with were girls. I wanted to know that I was able to be loved, and so I did so many stupid things just to get the attention of these girls. It's only by the grace of God that I haven't lost my own purity, and i don't blame any of these girls for the troubles they are going through. It breaks my heart to see what is going on in the world that so many women feel unwanted. When I see things like that it almost makes me want the Lord to just come back now and send all of those men who play around with these womens' emotions straight where they belong. I just get so mad at thinking about how badly people can treat eachother. This world is so lost and broken that it is beyond repair by anyone but God, so to him be the glory when even one neglected person comes to know him! To all of you who are reading this, I hope that you feel the love of God so strongly that you will never need to be loved by anyone else, and that you understand that the love of other people is nothing compared to what God feels for you.

Summer of 2009

Up until just a week ago my thought for this summer was that I would stay here in des Moines and do whatever I could to get by for housing, but last Monday an idea popped into my head that I was so sure in that it felt like it had been there for my whole life. Aster this school year is over I am eligible to be a counselor at the bible camp that I went to as a kid, and so I am going to apply there. As of this point I have only recieved positive feedback on this idea, though it is possible that there will be someone who tells me that I should stay. this is a wonderful opportunity for me because I can use it to share the love of God with hundreds of strangers over the course of the summer, and I can't imagine anything that would be a better usage of my time. I would not only get free room and board all summer, but I would also be getting paid more than twice what I am getting at the library. It seems that this idea could be a great thing if i comes to pass, though I won't know until the beginning of March. I can only pray that the Lord will use me as He sees fit and that whatever ends up happening will be His will. My own ideas about the future have been challenged in the last few weeks, and I have no idea where the Lord will take me this summer, let alone the rest of my life. Whether or not he will keep me in Des Moines or have me go somewhere else; or if he will have me continue what I am doing or do some other kind of ministry. All I know for certain is that as long as God loves me I will go where he leads me, and I will live my life for him, at whatever personal cost I am charged.

Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.

I want to start off with a disclaimer: this is not based on anything going on in my life right now, it's just a reflection on the past.
The title of this posting is Hebrews 13:7, and it's a verse that I think goes very well with this subject.

There comes a time in every person's life that they realize that their mentors are only human. The person that they used to think was infalible proves to be prone to weakness and shows that they are no better than anyone else. This weakness may be something small, such as them getting sick, or something big, like an unflattering secret being told about their lives. When we are young this hero is often one of our parents, but as we grow older it changes to someone else. Possibly our favorite teacher or coach, maybe a professional in the career that we intend to take, or maybe it's someone that just shows great personal strength. Whatever the case, when that person shows a human weakness we often will discard them and look for someone better. We don't realize that we will never be perfect, and so having a mentor who isn't is not a big deal. We can learn so much from the mistakes of the people who teach us, but often we just judge them without realizing that a lot of what they taught us came from lessons they learned based off of their mistakes. There will even be times that we see things in our lives that we can do better than our mentors, and so often we think that that makes us better. It's an issue of pride that Americans deal with on a regular basis. We see one thing that we're good at and make it th basis of our lives. It's like thinking I'm better than my math teacher because I know English better than her. It's so stupid, and yet we do it with everyone, but it mainly hurts how we see our leaders. How will any of us ever learn if we cannot see past the mistakes of others? We can only fully cooperate and work as a team if we understand our own strnegths and weaknesses as well as those of the people around us. I personally have met a lot of people who have talents that I will never possess, but I know that I can do things that they can't do as well. How do you measure musical ability to scientific knowledge to see who is better? You can't, and yet we all do it every day of our lives. I don't understand why it is that we seem incapable of respecting those who struggle with something that isn't an issue for us. One of my favorite teachers in high school was homosexual, which is not something I agree with, and yet he taught me so much more than any of my other teachers when it came to life skills and how to be respectful. I want to point out that I am not talking about tolerance, respect and tolerance are different things. If I can't respect someone because of a flaw that they have it shows a flaw in me just as much as it does in them. Even though I disagree with his lifestyle I can still respect the wisdom that he has gained through the course of his life, and I can learn from it. That doesn't mean that I approve of his choice, just that I respect his wisdom. It's the same with any person and their sins, if I stopped respecting everyone who has told a lie I couldn't learn from anyone, and that would put me in a very pitiable condition.

The Amazing Love of God

A subject that is very near to my heart is the love that God has for us as his children. Most people understand the fact that God loves us, but they tend to forget the whole aspect of "God the Father". They understand that God loves them, but they don't understand how it relates to the love of a father. As someone who grew up without a father I am the last person who should be able to understand this subject, and yet God has given me some insight into the matter bu giving me friends who have good relationships with their fathers. I have seen the love that a father has for his children, and so I have seen the love that God has for all of us. He calls us to love people as he loves them, and yet we often forget that. There is a common theory going around that showing someone love means accepting them despite their mistakes, but the problem with a theory like that is the outcome of such a kind of love. A father will tell his child not to touch the hot stove, he knows that the child will get burned if he does. That is the love that God has for us. He doesn't let us touch the hot stove and learn from our mistakes unless there is no other way to teach us. If we love people despite their shortcomings we should try to help them by preventing them from making mistakes. That means that if we believe that the bible says that something is wrong (i.e. abortion or gay marriage) we should do our best to warn people about the consequences for such actions. For those of us who believe it should be enough that God has said something for us to believe it, but I understand that those who do not will need reasons for why we believe what we do, which is why Christians have to have more knowledge about their faith and why God says something is wrong. If we cannot defend our faith we cannot speak about it, or we will be made to look like fools. With the issues of Gay marriage and abortion the bible states clearly that they are both sins, though does not say exactly why in the context that it lists them as sinful. God has said that murder is wrong, and so we look at abortion and have the option of saying that it is wrong or right. The matter becomes whether or not the baby has any human rights before it is born. Disregarding the scientific facts that make it clear that there is a heartbeat and brain activity long before any cutoffs for abortion, it becomes a matter that each individual must make for themself, whether by being informed or not. The bible states that whoever strikes a pregnant woman and causes the child to die while still in the womb shall be put to death. The idea is that a life will be payed for a life, and so we know where God stands on the issue. An unborn fetus has life, and to abort it is murder in God's eyes, and so is also murder in the eyes of his followers.

The issue of Gay Marriage is also heavily disputed between Christians and non-Christians, though there is crossover on both sides. Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads ." It lists homosexuality as a detestable act, and is therefore something that the Lord's followers should stand against. People have made the argument that the Old Testament law is invalidated by Jesus' sacrifice, but it does not say that anywhere in the New Testament. It does say that the things that were unclean are no longer unclean, allowing people to eat and wear what they wanted, but it made no such statement that the laws as to what is right and wrong according to the Lord would change. The new covenant does not prevent anything from being sin, it frees us from the religious traditions that were practiced for centuries for the forgiveness of sins by providing us with a new way to be forgiven, and eliminating the old.

Some Christians do not agree with everything that God says, but we just need to humble ourselves and admit that God knows better than we do, after all, he did make us. I'm not saying that it's wasy, it was a hard decision for me to make, but it's worth it. One of the hardest things for me to accept was that my will is smaller than God's, and what made it so hard to accept is that my twin brother is homosexual. We have never been very close, but I knew that admitting that God was right would mean admitting that my brother was living a lifestyle that is not pleasing to him. It was very difficult for me to choose anything over my family, but I know that it will be worth it.

First Post!

So this is my first post on my new blog, and I'm pretty excited about that. I guess that most people keep up with others by reading their blogs, so I figured that I should jump on the bandwagon. Hopefully the things that I put up will inspire thought in the individuals who read it, and I hope that you will read what I write carefully and prayerfully.