The Real Me

Lately I've been feeling like there are two different parts to my personality. There's the part that everyone sees, and then there's the part of me that no one knows or understands, which is the autistic part of me. The me that everyone sees is this big guy, I'm emotionally stable and very social. They don't see me as being afraid of any sort of social experiences, because I show them that I'm not.
But then there's the other part of me, the part that it the complete opposite of the me that you see. The part that is afraid of people who are in authority positions, easily scared when people are angry with him. He doesn't know how to look people in the eye, and is always afraid of being inadequate. He doesn't like confrontation, and is very easy to walk all over. People can take advantage of him, and he won't complain, even though he understands the injustice of the situation. He is afraid of offending anyone, but at the same time is incapable of pacifying everyone, and so is at a loss for what to do. He cannot look out for himself, not because he doesn't know how, but because he cares more about making other people happy than looking out for himself. Most of all, he is afraid of himself. He is afraid that he will be like he once was; unable to control his anger, violently lahing out, and unable to care for people because of the fear of being left by the people that he loves. He knows that he is a fool for not looking out for himself, but he can't go back to how he was. Even though he knows that things are not black and white he has to be extreme in either direction, because he doesn't know how to stop himself from going too far, and prefers to err on the side of himself getting hurt rather than others. There are times he feels absolutely helpless. He can't change the things that are going on unless he changes himself to be more on the aggressive side, but is afraid of going too far, and so can't change. The concept of being unable to change himself scares him, because he knows that it means people will continue to take advantage of him, or worse, be dissapointed in him because he's not doing well enough due to trying to please everyone.

I understand that most people who read this will be at a loss as to what to think, and I don't blame them, but the fact of the matter is that this timid one is my real personality. I don't display it because I know that I will get hurt, but everything you say to me is processed through that child-like personality, not through the one that people see. I know that this goes more in-depth into my personal life than a lot of people would feel comfortable with, but I've been faced with the dilemna during the last several months of not being able to interact with others in a way that is beneficial to me. If you ask me to do something I will end up doing it, and I will end up overcommitting myself and being underslept. I seem to have reverted on the inside since starting college, though my outward personality has stayed the same. I think that a large part of it has to do with being in a new environment. Change has always been hard on me, and I don't know if that will ever change. I'd imagine that as I grow more comfortable here at Drake my inner child will be less afraid, but as long as I am still getting used to things I will be terrified of doing things wrong. Even now the main thing going through my mind is the hope that I have not offended anyone by writing this note, and I think that that shows just how timid I really am. It's been really hard for me to go through this last few months, and I think the thing that has made it the hardest is just that no one has known how hard it has been, and so no one has been able to make it easier on me.