My thoughts on handling Death

I'm going to say something that sounds horrible, but I know that everyone who has been in the same situation as me will understand, and quite possibly agree. I am so tired of my friends telling me to pray. My friends who know that my faith in the Lord is not going anywhere think that the best thing they can tell me to do after my Grandmother dies is to pray. Do they think I haven't done that already?! I know that they're trying to help, but they have no idea what my thoughts or feelings are about the whole situation. Not just my grandmother's death, but her funeral as well. I will have to see my father for the first time in over a year, along with the man that he left my family for. I know just how bad the funeral will be for me, because I'm the only conservative in my family, and every time we all get together they seem to think that discussing religion and politics with me is a good idea. I'm not stupid, and I could easily crush any of them i a debate, but they have no interest in being civilized. All they want is someone to take their anger out on, and it always ends up being me. So yes, I have been praying. A lot. I spent over an hour last night just driving around and talking to God as soon as I heard. My first reaction was to spend time with God to discuss it.
The hardest part about my grandma dying is that I don't know whether or not she was a Christian. I have no idea whether or not my Grandma is in Heaven or Hell, and the first thing that people ask me when I share that she died was, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is she saved?" I have no idea, and I hate that. How can I go to the funeral not knowing whether to mourn or rejoice for my own grandma. I know everyone else will be mourning. It's easy to mourn when you don't believe in Heaven. But I think that it's harder to not know than it is to know that they are in Hell. And some of you reading this are thinking that there's something wrong with me right now. You're thinking that you would rather have hope than know for sure that they are suffering. Well this is how I feel, so forget about what you think is better and focus on the fact that these are my feelings. You're entitled to your opinion, but I really don't care what it is. I don't want to have to go through my life wondering if I will ever see my grandma again, annd the same is true for my grandpa who died last year. I don't want to have to wait fifty or sixty years to know whether or not I'll see them. That's fifty-sixty years of building up hope only to be disappointed.
I understand that God is still sovereign, and that prayer and scripture are good in a time of trial, but if you spend all of your time trying to help a mourning friend talking to them about parying and sharing verses you fail as a friend. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. You need to ask someone how they feel. Ask them to share what they think before you try to share a verse that you know will be good for their situation when you don't even know what their situation is.
I don't mean to sound unappreciative, I just want to make it clear that I know the verses and I know that I need to pray. I just want people to understand that they need to know the situation before they can truly try to help.

It's not the promised land anymore...

Until today I have generally been proud to call myself an Iowan. I live in a state where the majority of people are social conservatives or people who just jump on the bandwagon. There are some liberal activists, but generally speaking there are more conservatives. And yet today the Iowa supreme court decided that what is best for Iowa is that the minority gets their way, and so gay marriage has become legal in the state that I love. Liberal judges who we did not elect to represent anyone, but rather to decide whether or not people were following the law, have decided that the law was not good enough, and have now condemned Iowa for at least three years of Gay Marriage being legal (unless the democrats actually decide to discuss it in congress this session, as if that would happen). We now live in the fourth state in the USA to allow Gay Marriage. What happened to the values of the heartland? It is a beautiful day outside, but I can see the storm clouds. This has become a battleground, and no matter what the judges have decided this case is anything but closed. The problem is that now people will see Iowa as a rallying point in their cause. It will be inviting for Gay people to come here and get married, and they will not want to leave. Well I know where I stand. I stand behind my God, who says that it is an abomination, and I stand behind my country, no matter how deluded the leaders may be. Because if everyone who was displeased with the leaders were to leave there wouold be no chance of the country ever getting back to where it needs to be. This is not an issue of discomfort about homosexuality, it is an issue of the fact that God knows better, and I will follow what God says. My twin brother and father are both living a gay lifestyle, and because I love my brother it was very difficult for me to decide to follow Christ, because I did not want to have to admit that my brother's lifestyle is wrong. But I will not deny that God knows best. I will not stand by while this country that was founded by Christian men is changed by people who don't care what God says, or even if he exists. It is an outrage to see that ungodly people are the ones making the decidions in this country that was founded on Godly principles. I'm aware that I will have upset some people, but I don't care. My life's ambition is not to please men, it is to follow the word of God until the day that I die.